Today is the eve of the baby’s first birthday. It’s been quite a year; moving house, giving up work, homeschooling E, Mr Cosy going to Uni again, getting used to having a completely dependent baby again. I believe in attachment parenting because I see the end results every day but it is tough in practice. Every day and night the baby wants to be near or on me, she is an extension of me and is only just realising she is a person in her own right. I am the soil that grows my children and one day they will be living their own lives, too busy to be at my side, so in the moment I need to be grateful for the tiny hands holding on to me and a warm body between us at night, star shaped on the bed with a foot in my throat. One day it will be just me again.
We went for a walk in the sunshine, we had to pretend it wasn’t freezing and walk fast to generate some warmth. But there is the smallest heat in the sun, we are nearly there after long winter. It’s exciting to see all the plants coming back to life.
Tomorrow we will celebrate A’s first rotation around the sun and, like all the kids first birthdays, it will be bittersweet. Maybe she is my last baby, I’d like there to be more but I’m getting old and don’t know if I can handle another horrific hyperemesis pregnancy. I don’t know.